part 2: WHAT DOES IT MEAN

So some things have changed. I have gone from being Aries (arrogant money-fixated asshole) to Pisces (weepy man-baby). My little sister has gone from Taurus (hedonistic, stubborn?) to Aries (well...). Kurt Cobain was born right on the cusp of the Pisces sign, February 20th. He is now an Aquarian, meaning he should have been a visionary trying to make the world a better place, rather than a tortured whiny artist man-baby like me. Also this kind of ruins that one song, doesn't it?

All I have to say is I AM FLIPPING OUT MAN. How can I trust that the newspaper's advice is real anymore? All those times I was cynical/ wary of new dark strangers in my life...all for naught. It seems I should have been ready not to flip out too much when new dark strangers arrived, despite my tortured psyche and emotional nature.

THINGS YOU MIGHT NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THE NEW YOU:

Capricorn: Jan. 20-Feb. 16. You're a goat mate. This means you are kind of a boring person. Sorry.
Aquarius: Feb. 16-March 11. You are a water-bearer. You carry water EVERYWHERE. Also you're good at talking to people.
Pisces: March 11-April 18. You are a whiny man-baby. Shut up, Fish-face.
Aries: April 18-May 13. Blah blah blah horns blah blah blah financial assets. No redeeming qualities whatsoever.
Taurus: May 13-June 21. You're kind of slutty and stubborn. Two traits that are often covariant.
Gemini: June 21-July 20. You have great honkers.
Cancer: July 20-Aug. 10. You have crabs. And cancer. Also you kind of suck.
Leo: Aug. 10-Sept. 16. You're a jerk like Aries but you're more fun. Also if you are a male you spend the majority of your time sleeping and if you are a female you hunt in groups with other females. Your copulations last about thirty seconds but are repeated every half an hour over the course of several days. LUCKY YOU.
Virgo: Sept. 16-Oct. 30. You will most likely die alone.
Libra: Oct. 30-Nov. 23. Everyone likes you and you have no flaws WHOOP DE DOO LIBRA.
Scorpio: Nov. 23-29. You are, like, constantly PMSing.
Ophiuchus: Nov. 29-Dec. 17. Apparently your sign is associated with healing and working well with authority figures. But that's all bunk. Everyone knows you can talk to snakes. Don't fight it. You know you want it.
Sagittarius: Dec. 17-Jan. 20. You are a feisty old woman.

The victor of this battle: my immaturity.